Marriage is a beautiful union of love, commitment, compromise, and let’s be honest, a whole lot of weird moments. The honeymoon phase is often painted as a dreamy, romantic stretch of cuddles and candlelit dinners, but in reality, it can also include mismatched socks, disagreements over thermostat settings, and discovering each other’s very unique snacking habits.
If you’ve recently tied the knot, congratulations! You’ve just entered one of life’s most rewarding (and hilarious) journeys. To help you navigate the newlywed road with a sense of humor, we’ve gathered some of the best funny advice for newly married couple who are learning the ropes of sharing life.
10 funny advice for newly married couple
1. Learn the Art of “Selective Hearing”
One of the earliest skills you’ll master in marriage is the ability to selectively hear what your partner is saying. Did they just say, “We should do the dishes”? Or “We should get a dog”? Either way, nod and smile. Bonus tip: develop a keen ear for spotting when “Fine” doesn’t mean “fine” and when “Do whatever you want” actually means “I dare you.”
Selective hearing isn’t about ignoring your partner; it’s about maintaining domestic harmony and, sometimes, protecting your sanity.
2. You’re Now Arguing About Blankets
Prepare yourself. The battle over the blanket begins now.
It doesn’t matter if you live in a one-bedroom apartment or a castle with 12 guest rooms; you will fight over the covers. One of you is always freezing; the other insists it’s 100 degrees. The solution? Two blankets. Or better yet, a peace treaty negotiated under the supervision of a licensed marriage counselor.
3. Sharing Is Caring—Except With Food
Here’s some funny advice for newly married couple: never say, “I’m not hungry,” and then proceed to eat half your partner’s fries. That is grounds for war. In marriage, food boundaries are sacred. If they ordered nuggets, those are their nuggets.
Pro tip: Always order extra. You’ll thank yourself later when your partner reaches for the last bite and you heroically say, “It’s okay, I saved you another one.”
4. Your Bathroom Will Never Be the Same
When two people come together in holy matrimony, so do their skincare routines, towel preferences, and mysterious hair in the sink. If you ever thought bathroom time was sacred, think again. You’ll now be serenaded with off-key singing during your showers, interrupted during your “me time,” and asked deep philosophical questions while brushing your teeth.
Accept it. There’s no privacy in love.
5. Embrace the Silent “I Told You So”
In every marriage, one partner is the human GPS, and the other insists, “I know a shortcut.” Spoiler: that shortcut ends in a 30-minute detour and a healthy dose of regret. But the trick to staying happily married? Master the silent “I told you so.”
No words. Just a smirk. Maybe a raised eyebrow. Subtlety is key, unless you want to sleep on the couch.
6. Netflix Binge Rules Must Be Established
One of the more serious negotiations you’ll face involves your favorite streaming platform. Who controls the remote? Are you allowed to watch the next episode without your partner? What if you fall asleep during the show?
These are questions that can define the future of your relationship.
Our advice? Set rules early, and if someone breaks them, well, there’s always separate watchlists and matching passive-aggressive snacks.
7. Your In-Jokes Will Be Unbearable to Everyone Else
One year from now, you’ll have developed a strange language of inside jokes, nicknames, and shared brainwaves that no one else understands. You’ll laugh hysterically at things like “banana shoes” or “toothbrush war,” while your friends look on in utter confusion.
This is one of the best parts of being newly married. Lean into the silliness. You’re building a relationship that’s weird in all the right ways.
8. Always Compliment Their Cooking—Even If It’s Burnt
Listen, you’re in this for the long haul, and part of that is supporting each other’s culinary “experiments.” So if your partner proudly serves you something that tastes like charcoal-covered cardboard, you nod, smile, and say, “It’s got such a bold flavor!” Then, casually suggest ordering pizza next time.
Remember: marriage is about partnership, patience, and pretending to like quinoa when necessary.
9. You’ll Learn More About Their Family—Whether You Want To or Not
Marriage doesn’t just bind two people—it creates a merging of family group chats, holiday traditions, and in-laws with strong opinions on what “real” gravy looks like. Embrace it. Or at least survive it with grace and a good sense of humor.
And when in doubt, bring pie. Pie smooths everything over.
10. Love Grows Stronger with Laughter
When you’re newly married, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll forget anniversaries, burn toast, leave laundry in the washer for two days, and occasionally snap over who left the cap off the toothpaste. It happens.
But if you can laugh through the chaos, you’ll find that humor becomes your greatest weapon against the trials of early married life.
Which brings us back to our main point: funny advice for newly married couple isn’t just about the jokes, it’s about embracing the imperfections. Love is messy, unpredictable, and often ridiculous. That’s what makes it amazing.
Bonus Tip: Never Go to Bed Angry… Without Snacks
Arguments happen. But nothing good ever came from staying up late, angry, and hungry. Keep emergency cookies nearby. You’ll be surprised how a warm chocolate chip cookie can end even the most serious debate about where to hang the new wall art.
Keep the Love, Keep the Laughter
So if you’re wondering how to keep things light and fun in the early days of marriage, just remember this: life is short, marriage is long, and laughter makes everything better. The toilet seat will be left up, socks will be everywhere, and someone will forget to take out the trash—but as long as you can find humor in the small stuff, you’re doing just fine.
And there you have it—some classic, tongue-in-cheek, and totally relatable funny advice for newly married couple just trying to make it through the first year without arguing over how to load the dishwasher “the right way.”
Now go forth, laugh together, and build a marriage that’s as strong as your coffee—and just as necessary.
